Day Eight, 2025

 Sensitive or Dramatic?

Today was a day like many others.  Head to work with a plan of attack and quickly have to cover for others who are unable to show up for personal matters.  The finally start to feel like you're making progress only to be required to assist another who doesn't want assistance - they want a sound board, that they can then treat like a whipping post. 

The veiled insults begin towards others then straight questions about my role and the spiral begins.  I've been tender-footing my way around these outburst for years now so I know the drill but I think I may have finally broken.  Lord knows what I'll go into tomorrow, I'm sure my email will be full.  There is never an apology, just an excuse and it feels like an abusive relationship that I have to keep engaging in because I want to do this job.

This person storms in, rants, begins to walk out with a snide comment started and stopped stating 'I'd better just keep that to myself' and when I take a minute before following to attempt to reason and re-explain the intention of the management question I am dismissed.  I should never have tried to correct/help.

Next problem is that I vent/ranted to J about it on the way home (a half hour drive) and this is not the first time.  He's insisting that I state ultimatums to my boss about this persons behaviour.   When I do, I receive replies minimising the persons behaviour and making me feel as though I'm over-reacting but I really don't believe that I am.

This is where the abuse really lands - you begin to feel like you're crazy when the person is nice one minute and unkind the next - full range of emotions.  

• They want a thing from you = kind.  
• They have an audience = kind
• They need help and you are able to stop a task = kind
• They are confused and want help but you don't answer immediately = re-question/keep talking = re-state I'm in the middle of something else/busy and can't drop my train of thought = unkind
• You don't fix their computer issue/verbally draft an email for them/etc the second they ask = unkind
• You answer something but they don't like the reply = questioned = restate = questioned = restate = unkind
• You don't answer their emails immediately = call you on it = resend email (same day) = mention it as you walk by their desk to go to the bathroom (because you're not busy if you have to use the facilities) = unkind.

I don't expect respect, I'll earn that through hard work if it's possible to earn it and I'll be available when I can be - I will be dependable and accessible when I have time to help.  I make great efforts to not be unkind with this person but I think I may have reached the limit of my abilities and it may be time for me to make a change.  That statement makes me upset.  I shouldn't have to resort to rude behaviour and sink to that level in order to have some peace in my day.

I've worked towards what I'm on the edge of for 7 years and this one person is the reason for at least two of the times I've needed to train new staff while learning my new job.  I think I'm at my limit and somethings got to give.

This grief is not as easily managed as other grief because it's a never ending roller coaster.  I depend on this job and enjoy the challenge of the way I earn my pay.  I have opportunities to organize and plan and streamline processes.  There is so much to learn and master, it's exactly what I want right now.

Why do I feel the need to just quit it.  I thought I was just scared that I would fail - I've quit or not started things for that reason in the past but this feels much different - this feels like a leave to keep myself intact type of situation.  This feels sad and helpless sometimes and I HATE that feeling.

I've developed so much tightness in my neck that I've bitten the bullet and started physio (tonight of all nights - talk about great timing).  This assessment is where I was told I should go get a massage because of the tightness and how its effecting my upper back & sleep.

I don't work a physically demanding job but I am keeping a lot of things bottled up (so as not to react at  work and be unprofessional.  It's like being unable to tell this person where to go and how to get there is making me shrink inwards and making me tight.  My spirit is shrivelling up.

Tomorrow is another day & I've now wasted a post with more ranting. So this follows me everywhere now.  We're only 8 days into this year and I'm losing my composure.  Damn IT.  What action is there to solve this?  Am I being sensitive or dramatic, how do I stop this with minimal dust being kicked up?

C

Action VS Grief