Day Eighty-Three, 2025

When you're red, ashy & blue, you're burnt out and unable to deal with yet another thing - even if that thing is for you.

I have fallen way off of my promises to myself and feel bloated with all this shit flying through my head about how I am less than, the world is totally screwed and only the a-holes seem to be winning.  Then I reflect on family members with sick children and feel like a part of the problem.

All this self reflection is so damn self centred and I realize that I'm actually a part of the problem just spinning in my own head about how things aren't fair and it's that same old track in my brain I'm unable to get out of.  

Knowing I am fortunate - why isn't that enough to get myself out of this fog?

Knowing I have many things to be thankful for;

• that extra weight means I haven't gone hungry
• that house to clean and people to pick up after means I have shelter and the ability to buy crap we don't need
• that man who doesn't listen has probably just gotten sick of reminding me when I go into those funks that it really isn't all that bad - and he hates to see me spiral AND he is not a therapist

I am a grudge holder who can't save my children from hurt.  I am a woman who works hard and is hindered by her lack of confidence AND her lack of male appendage.  I am a grown ass woman who wants a nap and her mum to rub her back until she falls asleep.

I am so sick of the spiral.  So I'm trying to stop the spin by forcing myself to stop blazing through The Big Bang Theory and start making time instead of wasting it & I'll reward myself with TBBT for my good behaviour - because I'm heading fast towards season 9 & that show is/was awesome - right up there with Schitt's Creek

I seriously need to build more skills in my job so I am not easily overlooked and I have no idea where to start.

I need to lose some of this weight and learn to swim and distance run like I've always wanted to and not just bob and float successfully or jog to avoid rain drops and catch dogs - without thinking about how silly I look.

I need to DO something and stop just watching all these days pass.

Please self, let this past few weeks be the rock bottom where you went back to binging, drinking, watching & candy crushing be the last time.

Love yourself,

C

Action VS Grief