Day Five, 2025

 Shop-'therapy'?

The small joy of an Ikea meal of plant balls, mashed potatoes, peas, gravy and lingonberry sauce is the main reason I left the house today.  Added joy of purchasing a rug for middle's room, a shower curtain and a couple of fitted sheets sealed the deal.  The question I have is WHY did I walk around that place looking at things I don't need - I didn't even follow the maze as prescribed - I went to the specific areas I wanted to go to and after my nice little meal I was in there for at least 2 hours... without even being able to say I was distracted by a podcast because I totally forgot to even follow that plan - I just browsed.  

It amazes me how time flies when I'm in a store.  Another distraction tactic that I need to curb.

I could have been home, reading beside my dog eating perfectly good food here in the place I won't get to be for the next week but I chose to be there.  As a self described introvert the solo drive where I can just listen, think and not speak is so nice and we have been around others this weekend so I understand that I needed the time but how do I go into a store with a plan and end up browsing.

Another little store in town was having the last day of her retirement sale today and I even found a way to wander through there for 1/2 an hour.  I was just there with J yesterday and there was nothing new on display, just no 'spending leash' lol.  I think that trip was a bit about connection and support but there was a spoiling myself element as well.

I know that material things don't actually make me feel any better but still shopping to feel like a nicer version of myself seems to be what was done - purchasing things for people I love & my dream self.  Plus honestly, who can pass up the idea of a deal?  Even knowing that unspent money is the best deal you can get - I couldn't pass up 50% off

It's a little bit ridiculous. purchasing things to make me feel better was an issue for me that I thought I had stopped but now that we're a little more financially stable it sort of just feels like entertainment for my dream self rather than a way to wish her into being (then going back to do returns)

I guess I'm not quite as self aware as I should be.

I did catch myself putting things down that I don't need a new version of knowing that I don't want to clutter up our home.  I'm trying to de-clutter it but I definitely still purchased a couple things that I look at now and realize I have zero need for.  Like Car Coasters - I didn't even know these were a thing until a few hours ago and now I have a sasquatch and one that says something along the lines of 'make this day your bee-atch' (with a picture of a bee...) who needs these things???  Let me know & I can sell you a couple - 50% off!

Anyway, better get back to my daily do list and try to stop this day from going completely off the rails.

C

Action VS Grief