Day Seven, 2025

 A warm blanket and a show with many curse words = bliss?

Sometimes it's nice to blow off a little steam and vent your frustration to anyone who will listen rather than dwell on all the silly bits of life that bring forth confusion, rage or sadness.  

Sometimes it's just nice to have the feelings and distract yourself with a couple shows.  Current picks are Landman and Mrs. Browns Boys.  

In the past I've really struggled because I'm usually a bury'er.  I don't point my anger at the folks who've 'crossed' me I detach from them and then vent to J.  This year I'm trying a slightly different approach and I hope it sticks.  This year I'm trying to just not let the slights land.  To not take everything to heart. To not dwell on work after work hours.

First task is that I'm attempting to build my personal life back up instead of hiding in work so deeply that work is the only thing I really have going on.  Step one is to consistently stop staying late.  I have a bit of self confidence to build so it's hard to step away on time without worrying I'll lose any progress made that day, but I'm trying.

Last year I was promoted and had to train my replacement while being trained myself.  Problem is,  I was already to office 'go to' person for all the little office 'things' ('how to do' in our programs, 'where to' on our server, IT contact, customer portal master, desk coverage specialist, etc).  Promoted to a higher rank but still being expected to do all of the other things.  Trying to learn my new job while training first one, than two, than three different people (in two different roles).  While also managing their exposure to a particular type of personality who is just difficult to work with.  The type that cause conflict amongst others (leading to attendance issues - so all the work of others is then added back to my plate).  It's been a year of constant interruptions and frankly I am burnt.

So even though that may have read like a rant please read it as strictly informative.  I'm trying to develop my office management ability and encourage more ownership of tasks as well as train the fourth person for their role.  The only way to accomplish this is with boundaries.

All this work turmoil has had me thinking that the universe is conspiring to make life hell, that I'm too stupid to do this job (when I'm not, though I do have a lot to learn), that this is a test - a feet to the fire/no hold barred ass whipping that will either break me or mould me.  

The plain fact is I have moments of crisis where I dream of escape and refresh the resume but I want to see what I'm capable of accomplishing in this job (when I finally get a chance to actually do JUST my new role).  The fact that I still get excited for that possibility shows me that I need to keep on trying.  So I tell myself that the best managers can perform all the duties and I keep showing up.  BUT, now, this year - I will leave on time.

I've spent the year playing catch up, working late, going in on weekends so I can just have some uninterrupted work time (absolute bliss) but I've lost so much time with my family.  Our oldest has moved out, the middle is applying to post secondary and the boy (the baby) is learning to drive.  Time marches on and I will not be the boring one at our dinner table.  Not just that, I will BE at our dinner table this year.  (please universe, make the fact that I typed it here be enough to help hold me accountable, and not slip up)

All the work with no play makes for boring company in this head of mine as well.  It's so boring that the little things (co-workers, troubles, etc) become so much larger because nothing else is going on in my life except the little fires that then demand my attention.  Honestly I have also been hiding from my hurt (in work that also hurts) so well that I was losing my ability to even want to be near myself.  I'm stuck in here until the end of my time and I started to wonder what I had done to deserve this prison I had placed myself in?  Surely mum wouldn't want me to just stop because I was trying to prove my worth to others.

So I try, I leave on time and I limit certain tasks to so many hours per day so I'm touching on everything.  I have over 100 un-resolved emails but every day I make progress (creating more emails) and I limit my accessibility from the trouble maker (the only way to remove that is for me to take on their tasks as well - to train their replacement., I don't have time for that.

• I walk daily (at least around the block), 
• I'm trying to do a daily watercolour practice, 
• I write once sentence of gratitude daily, 
• have a spot to write the brain dump so I'm not losing sleep obsessing and 
• I make TV an event with J where we will watch an episode of Landman or Mrs. Browns Boys with a little snack in the evenings.

This life could be good and enjoyable if I have enough to fill me personally that the daily grind won't stick.  That is the action I'm trying to resolve being bunt out..

C

Action VS Grief