Day Six, 2025

 Can I manage to connect and keep it up for once?

I have a non dramatic family history.  Unwed parents split when I was very young because of faith issues (she had some and he had 'un').  The type of couple who made a mistake and tried to make the most of it but ultimately they were not well suited to each other.  They eventually found their matches and, while living, they found happiness.

I was clothed and fed and have siblings who were also loved.  I felt on the outside not because I was put there but because I was young, without perspective, and have always felt at peace alone - so I put myself there, safe and to the side.  When let down by him, I felt safe in my choice to fly solo.  When at teen-war with her, I felt safe to try to stand alone out of the house.

Then I met J.  He gave me the feeling that I didn't want to be alone.  Couldn't bear the thought of leaving each other each night, talked until we fell asleep - all the things obsessed teens would do.  Most importantly he held me to account and for once had me think about future.  I was so used to just living day by day, I had zero plans for after school or even of attending school, I had no thoughts for bills and, when i think of it now, I had little worry for consequences.  

Clearly more sheltered than I would have thought at that point and I've always used the term street smart but that's not right because I was never on the street.  I was an arse who was very lucky - says the grown up version of that naive girl.  THANK GOODNESS I met him and he's a committed sort.

Keeping in contact has always been weak for me with everyone other than him.  I would go ages forgetting to call mum and lived years with out speaking to dad after I'd made his first grandchild (we were both a teeny bit stubborn and I am a master of grudge and forget).  You know how you mean to call and miss the first chance - the logical time and then a day goes by and every day after the phone is just heavier - well for a procrastinator, that can turn into a VERY long time.

Point is I have 2 step-parents left and 2 siblings plus a few nieces and I need to become consistent.  That has been a goal in the past but it needs to be a purpose.  A thing I plan, because I intend to be better at that.  I'm hoping for once a month.

This year I'd like to talk more frequently to the family I still have and try to make memories with my children now that I'm not always just working to cover bills or playing chauffeur.

My saying this year is Making+Memories - pretty self explanatory.  

All of that was just to say - I had dinner with my step mother tonight and it was nice - I need to keep this momentum up.  I haven't even cried silently wishing it was mum so I hope that's growth (plus less of a shitty move to not just enjoy the company you have instead of focused on the company you miss)

Sorry I should have said earlier that I'm still a bit of an arse but trying to be better every most days.

C

Action VS Grief