Day Thirty, 2025

 Documentary

I've never been drawn to watch documentaries, fictitious entertainment has always been my choice.  I guess the truth has always been hard (que the wah, wahh, waahh music).  Seems to be true in real life as well.  Am I drawn to drama?

Not able to ignore things when I'm in a mood and able to hold grudges are not my finest features but they are features I've mastered and want to quit.  Frankly they're just exhausting.  

I don't have a wide circle of friends (bet you can guess why - because I like to find quiet + other reasons) and I'm not eager to change that but it sure would be nice to stop the voice in my head that notices 'slights' and can't just let people live with their own shit while I just keep truckin' without letting their moods and outbursts effect me.

That is the goal.

I don't think I've ever cared about my funeral or the turnout - it's not legacy I want.  I'd just like to not feel my heart race when dealing with attitude or being told I've said things I didn't say because someone is having a rant.  I keep a great poker face but it does eat me up inside.

Sprinkle on a little anger and resentment for the folks who just treat others any way they choose and seem to never stumble - even though I have no idea what they're dealing with and maybe treating me like a verbal whipping post is the most in control they've felt.  Everyone needs to feel in control sometimes.

I'd just like the power to not replay the interaction repeatedly with a tiny wedge of hate propping me up.

Maybe I'll develop this mystical power in a couple years but I think I need it every weekday from 9-5.

There must be a booklet to teach me this ability - and a trip to the library always perks me up - I'll look this weekend

If you're looking for a documentary to watch though - this one gave me some needed perspective and laughs tonight - This is The Tom Green Documentary

C

Action VS Grief