Day Twenty-Eight, 2025

A Blizzard

Outside it's looking fresh and feeling frosty.  Everything's covered with a large layer of the white stuff that we like to play in and hate to shovel.  The drives are greasy, but the scenery is beautiful (for those of us not currently shovelling).

Every day seems to have a little blizzard in my head where I get overwhelmed and then keep plodding along until I see the other side of it - and some days it feels like the other side will never come.  You force your way through for days until you reach the end point and most days the harsh travel seems not so bad on the other side.  This is how it is with me.

I keep pushing to the edge of my ability and question why the hell I keep trying '**** ****' but when it's over I quickly convince myself that I was overreacting and it isn't that bad.  There are always bad bits though.  

I know they say the grass is always greener on the other side and that's not just about the way we judge others on their journey.  It's meant to give perspective and steer you away from coveting another persons things (stuff, situations, etc) but is it normal to keep doing this with yourself when you know exactly what you've been up against.  

Is it a self protection, so I don't go bat shit and give up or is it a sign of fear.  I worry that its fear of change.

I worry that I may be missing what I'm meant for because I keep convincing myself it isn't that bad, that I'm dramatic, that I overreact, that I should be thankful to have this weight instead of someone else's.

"The Lord never gives you more than you can handle' is just an inspirational way of saying woman up and quit bitching.

I do wish I could just adapt and ignore the struggle - just push through without the regret and sense that what's being asked of me (at work in particular) isn't fair compared to others.

I keep thinking I'll prove myself and be rewarded - I think I may be wrong and I'm just proving to be a useful tool.

Time to get some rest and do it all tomorrow until I figure a way out.

C

Action VS Grief