Day Twenty-Four, 2025

 Nachos

We have a Friday night tradition; a regular date night that involves take out from a local shop where we are getting to know the owners and enjoy the food.  The connection is nice and looking forward to it all week is nice.  Visiting the shop is nice, the food is always fresh and delicious.  J has his regular thing, the kids now have a regular thing and I always get nachos.  

Problem is, I believe these nachos may ensure I never make progress on my weight loss goals and I like the idea of mixing it up but we've created a habit, I really do like the these nachos, I like that it's one less decision to make after a long week and did I mention they are awesome.  Not vegan (queso & sauce) but perfectly spiced, great ratio of chip to topping so therefore covered in veggies and beans.

I find myself trying to make excuses for J to go alone with the kids because I cant fathom the idea of a different item when I'm there - worked hard all week & deserve it blah, blah blah inner voice.  I am full before I finish and I finish rather than waste any food.

I'm writing this here so I've gotten it out of my head that I need to have the strength to make a change - even just ask if they can do a half order.  I've even mentioned it to J and then on the way over speak aloud the inner voice convincing me to stick with my usual order because I want it.   

I should probably set an 'ORDER HALF SERVING' alarm on my phone because I swear I've thought this before but have never even inquired.  That would just get stopped along with most if the other alarms I've set though.  It would probably be better for me to delete those alarms and start fresh.  

Typing this feels ridiculous - a grown ass woman with the feeling of so little control over her daily life that she focuses on the 'WIN' of ordering death nachos to get her power back.  Surely deep down is the gurl punk rebel I used to think I was - who would do what I wanted (as long as no one got hurt).

If I can't win an inner battle about nachos how the hell am I supposed to make my working life better?

I sit here looking across the room at the craft corner I set up (and haven't used) beside a book (I haven't picked up in days) after just watching many episodes that were a great distraction while I stuffed my face.

I need to change habits to use the environment I've set up & gain control.  Time for a re-frame and a promise to quit this negative shit rolling around between my ears.  So easy to type as a 'I'll start tomorrow' goal.

My kids are just about grown so it's time to parent myself a little.

C

Action VS Grief