Day Two, 2025

 Best laid plans... require practice

Finished the night strong yesterday, did all the things I intended to.  Read, walk, strength train, crafted a bit with knitting & watercolour, didn't spend the whole evening watching screens, got to bed at a decent time - I even flossed.  Then this morning, I ate a good light breakfast, smaller portion of lunch, actually ate fruit as a snack with some almonds, water intake increased, left work on time & a healthy dinner (made with love) was shared with loved ones - over a good conversation.  Kitchen all tidy I started some laundry and went for a walk (in snow) where I exerted myself and realized I need to get in better shape once again.  

When I came home I started what I'm thinking of calling my power hour (thank you Gretchen Rubin) because an hour isn't a long period of time but you can get a decent amount of things done.  Then J called me up to watch an episode of our show (1/2 hour tops) so I went up and quickly realized that we'd completed the dvd already & that there was cheese in the fridge (received as a gift) that no one would eat.  So I ate it with crackers and got into the chocolate that J had out and now I'm feeling like garbage.

What is it that makes me unable to turn things down.  I know the schtuff isn't good for me and I'm better off without it.  For goodness sakes I even want to be vegan.  I just can't seem to deal with food being wasted - expensive food.  I need to figure out a way to donate these things immediately to a local food bank so someone who would appreciate a treat I shouldn't eat instead of this fear of lack taking over and me gorging myself.

Realizing I am a binge eater sure hasn't helped me stop doing that.  One taste is never enough and honestly I don't think I even taste the things as I'm scarfing them back.

Now I'm sitting here thinking I should be excited by weekly date night but terrified I'll gorge again. 

Hopefully writing this here will bring it to the top of mind the next time I begin to mindlessly eat.

I even had a not food after 8 thing in my mind and as soon as I saw the cheese my brain said - 8:30 isn't so much later and you can always just delay food tomorrow.

Guess listening to the latest Mel Robbins podcast with Dr. William Li on my walk wasn't enough to help me say no tonight so I'll listen again tomorrow and finally get around to reading Never Binge Again this weekend.

Hoping this is one habit I can kick to the curb this year.  Not because it's old programming or possibly grief based but because I think I'm meant for more than just always feeling this out of place in an uncomfortable body.

Here's to a better day tomorrow and a quick reminder to stop beating myself up for a bad choice made with an old mindset.

C

Action VS Grief