Day One, 2025

 New Year, New me?

3:27pm 

I've gotten my yearly planning done, all the various journals set up and overthinking about how this year will be different is out of the way.

So many 'fun' ways to be be a better version of me while realizing that I think for once I'm ok if I just keep this version of me alive.  I like my eyes, my home, my dog and my job (most days).  I believe my kids have received enough influence from me that they have a decent perspective of what's possible (and what not to do).  We have food in the fridge, a roof over our heads, love and wifi that works - what else could we need?

The people that can't be with us are missed and the opportunities to show them love are gone.  That is my stumbling block, where I question my worth.  

Is it just as important to selfishly love myself?
Would they want me to be happy & not to feel guilty for still being here?
Should I take every opportunity to live and not just wallow in grief?  

I think I should say that obviously the answer is Yes to all of the above so I'm launching myself into this year with hopefully less tears about my possibilities and it feels a bit dirty.

'God made dirt & dirt don't hurt' so what have I got to lose this year except maybe some grief.

This year I will:
- Watch fewer screens so I can Live more

- Walk daily

- Read

- Create & Craft

- Try to create experiences for the family to build our collective Memory Banks

- Not bury myself at work to avoid living

- & other things that aren't just ways to pass the hours until sleep

In the past I've tried to create a Daily 6 checklist but I think I'm going to just try to live each day without the guilt.  I'd like to just be accountable so that when I tuck myself into bed each night I can reflect on things that happened not just run through fictional story lines of shows I've distracted myself with and review podcasts I've used as background noise so I can't hear my own thoughts.

I'd like to be honest and not avoidant.  

Honest & Not Passive.

What is that feeling I get when I type that?  Fear.  I may not be liked, People may not be Pleased with the new and improved (read as ACTUAL Version of) Me.

What the heck eh, may as well take her our for a spin, she's been cooped up for sooo long.

C