Day Thirty-Eight, 2025

 Losing track of time

When you're in the flow of something its easy to not realize how much time is going by.  That's different than when you are bad at guessing how long a task will take (I have done this pretty regularly).  Worse than both is when you have every intention of leaving at a certain time but you are stuck in a meeting with outside guests and can't just pick up and leave while answering audit/control type questions about your daily job.

I hate that I still feel the need to prove myself but it's a fact that I'm always having to stretch myself thinner than the others in my office and I feel like I can't bring my phone everywhere in case I receive a call.  That sounds stupid even as I type it but it felt true until just then.  

I have had a bad track record of staying longer than I should but now it feels like there is even more on the line.  I've been very good at leaving on time - which is shutting down 5 minutes before (or on the hour) and washing up my coffee cup, packing up my office, locking up the cabinet, visiting the washroom before the drive home and putting my coat on to walk out.  I can't do anything about the quick chats as I walk out because I'm friendly and I have stopped answering the work related questions from certain people who can't seem to understand that I am done for the day.  However all that puts my butt in the car 15 minutes after quitting time.

I've been very improved this year at leaving on time (except for a few occasions where I communicated there would be a delay) but the years of bad habits has created this lack of trust so even though I'm measuring things by the current year and my improvement - I'm being judged on past years of over commitment to work.

I hate that I feel the need to keep explaining the pressure I feel to be perfect at this new task in order to be able to sit across the table and negotiate for more salary because I have sat across the table and I have been denied proper compensation for my role.  I want to be able to sit across the table with proven track record and improvements to the role and have them confirm or deny me based on proof instead of deny based on possibility alone.  The office across the world and the board down south don't see what I do daily.  They have no idea so it's easy to deny.  I have no degree just work ethic and experience.

I'm at a loss and I'm not in sales so the money isn't likely to be spent on me but I should be paid near as much as my predecessor just based on the fact that I'm expected to do so much more than she was. 

I feel like I'm letting everyone down, including myself, and all I want to do is stay in bed and tell responsibility to shut the 'front door'.

It feels like trying is pointless because you can never please everyone and keep balance.  Everyone wants to be first priority but none of them have bothered to ask what I want out of this life.  Work assumes that I can do everything in less time than needed and J must assume that it should be just family that means everything but I want to see what I'm capable of at work to earn more for us so we can worry less.  

No I shouldn't have been late for our date night but I couldn't walk out while being questioned.  I should have tried to politely excuse myself but he could have remembered that I have guests in office today.  

Everyone always wants but I want too - not more important but should also be considered.

If only I was smarter when I was younger and better at gauging time so I hadn't created this series of let downs that must make J assume I don't care.  Things could be different but I have to build the trust again.

Might help if I remain calm instead of getting angry when spoken to as though I don't care when the fact is I wasn't able.

Another area of growth, will the work ever end?!

C

Action VS Grief