Day Thirty-Six, 2025

 Old songs, stolen t-shirt & kids who stick together

While chatting with my brother the other day mum came up in conversation, as she always does, and I admitted that I still hear things or read things and immediately think 'mum would like this' and its not really that I am just struck dumb with grief by the sudden realization that she isn't physically around to tell.  Its like an oozing sludge that sort of rolls over me.  Its the sadness that I didn't discover this earlier so I could have had more drive to reach out often - it's always the blame that I wasted the time we could have had by being wrapped up in me and what I was trying to accomplish.  I'm telling myself that the self centred attitude of my younger self - where I was really just trying to make it through the day - wasn't just casting off all care of others I was honestly not thinking about anything but the task at hand.  

Trying to be able.

The regret of solitude in my lame ass version of mastery (working, paying bills, raising myself while raising my kids, being a partner to J, a responsible homeowner, worthy daughter in law, etc.) all the shit that made up my everyday and always knowing I had mum helped me take her for granted.  There is no way to pretty that shit up.

The sludge that fills me is regret that I took our time for granted.

Then tonight I came home and told J, middle and son the most recent event that oldest and boyfriend are reeling with and we all called oldest to give her support so she could voice her fears and anger and unload some trouble while we all chatted.  It's great to see that the kids have each other in that way and that they are inclined to lean in and express concern even when we're all powerless to diagnose and they've never experienced these health issues.  The point was to get oldest out of her head and talking, to feel our care, to know she may be overwhelmed but she's never alone.

I hope they can avoid the sludge by supporting each other in this way and that they will forever be inclined to call each other.  That they keep building on this life we've tried to give them.  

The stolen t-shirt was discovered when we came home from youngest's hockey game to find middle wearing an old concert t-shirt for a band she said she didn't know & then came the dance party - as well as I can move my aching body to Tool.  Aching because I wiped out hard on ice this morning while getting the compost bin for garbage day and then had trouble getting up - I'll be one year older next week so it is hilarious that I had a 'fallen and I can't get up' moment.  Much funnier was the realization that I can still make a child of mine cringe and laugh because of my dancing.  Tool is not quite where her taste is currently but, its a great shirt - with her memories now - so here's hoping she enjoys it.  

Getting late, since I just lost half an hour wandering my memories with music videos to find the link above.  Hoping you enjoy the rabbit hole it creates and that you read up on the band (just not before a decent bed time)  So much talent and the lyrics either make you think or just plain entertain - powerful tight band.

Enjoy

C

Action VS Grief